The Cardinal Fat-Girl Rule

I have a confession to make, which ought to surprise absolutely no one who really knows me: I love terrible television.

I am not talking about the dredges of television, like “The Jerry Springer Show” or “Jersey Shore” (though I once used to regularly watch both). I like television shows that make me feel better about myself for the fact that I will never, I repeat NEVER, be one of those people. I know I will never enter my child in a beauty pageant, compete with other superficial bitches to “fall in love” with some dude within two weeks, or get into full hair and makeup to have mid-day cocktails with my frenemies for the chance to call myself a “housewife.”

And it isn’t necessarily that I only watch trash television because it’s just compelling background noise. I can, in fact, learn something interesting from some of these programs. The people on “Extreme Couponing” may be suffering from an obnoxious form of OCD with their need to buy hundreds of a useless product just because they can, but I certainly learned a thing or two about how to shop with coupons and how to maximize the deals when they come around. I may be fascinated by the amount of time the “Doomsday Preppers” spend on preparing for a particular catastrophe that may never happen, but they have some excellent tips on what to do to prepare yourself for when you will be out of important resources for a few days, or even a few weeks, and what you may need to survive that time.

No, when I say I love terrible television, I mean I love watching obnoxious people behave terribly. I love watching delusional people attempt to convince the world that their behavior is not only acceptable, but reasonable. I love watching a mixture of beauty and insanity. Which brings me to my favorite terrible show on TV today: Dance Moms.

I had heard about this Lifetime show through blogs, but had not seen it until Lifetime ran a marathon of it one day during the first season. I was hooked from the very first mid-episode scene. One of the most obnoxious women I have ever seen on television was talking about some costume with another mother before their daughters were to go on and perform a dance. I don’t really remember what they were saying necessarily, but they were having a superficial conversation, screaming match at all, in front of their adolescent daughters, who were warming up for their dance competition. In the next segment, their daughters took to the stage to perform a dance that was beautiful, artistic, and full of life and love. These little girls were so talented and charming that they just stole my heart.

However, that was immediately offset by the presence of their dance company director, Abby Lee Miller. In Pittsburgh, Abby Lee Miller is a big deal, or so she would have you believe. She is the leader of the best competitive dance team in the nation. She is known throughout the dance community for her choreography and training of top stars. She even coaches multiple generations of dancers, as the mother of two of the dancers was once coached by Abby herself when she was a child.

The show wouldn’t be interesting if this were a nice, sweet woman teaching nice, sweet dancers. Abby is a bitch. She is a raging bitch. She is a downright awful human being. She is a large woman who wears ugly jewelry, spends entirely too much time tanning, and thinks Jennifer Anniston’s “Rachel” haircut is still all the rage. To top it off, she has a scratchy voice that is probably the product of years of yelling at her students, which she continues to do to this day.

I hate to say this, but Abby is why I watch the show. It’s true that the main reason I watch is the girls. They are so beautiful, so sweet, and so talented, but that’s not what makes the show work. It only serves to offset these terrible adults. I watch because I love the gall this woman has to yell at tweens, throw things around in their presence, trash their parents to their faces, and get into screaming matches with their parents in front of them. It is not a surprise then, as it has frequently been noted on the show, that Abby has never been married and has no children herself. Yet that does not stop her from criticizing the mothers for being parents. She has the nerve to tell the mothers they are being bad parents when they do something to support their children that conflicts with her plans for them as dancers. I am constantly fascinated by what comes out of Abby’s mouth, and I anxiously await the next moment when she will say something ridiculous and mean. I hardly ever agree with her, but she is so damn entertaining that I cannot turn away from her.

Now that “Dance Moms” is in their second season, the craziness is on full tilt, and Abby is only getting worse. Because she has the dancers and their mothers under contract, she thinks she can be the big bad wolf and treat her dancers and the mothers like dirt. She has never made a secret of the fact that she prefers one specific dancer above all others, though the subject of why continues to be an ongoing storyline on the show. She plays favorites, she holds grudges, and she generally makes life miserable for anyone who is not among her preferred people.

Yet I am now catching on to a major flaw of Abby’s. She is mean, she is cruel, and she is unpleasant. She is hardly the first person in reality television to possess all three of these characteristics. (In fact, these days it’s a requirement before the producers will even look at you.) But the problem with all of that is that she is also fat. Abby probably hasn’t danced in a good twenty years, causing the ol’ metabolism to slow way down. It happens to a lot of people. It is what it is. Being fat is probably what drew the casting directors to her in the first place. She is a stereotypical villain, a la Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” or Fat Bastard from “Austin Powers.” But since this is a show based on real people, and not characters that they are scripted to play, Abby is who she is, which is a mean, fat bitch. Surely the editing lends a fortunate hand to this portrayal, but if she doesn’t give to the producers, they have nothing to edit later.

Why is this a problem? I don’t live in Pittsburgh, I don’t have children who dance competitively, and I can change the channel at any time. However, if I am going to waste my time with trash television, as I clearly do, then I might as well learn something from it. What I have learned is that in many ways, I am on the outside of myself, looking in. I too am not a tiny lady. I am a big girl, I have been all my life, and it’s possible that I may always be. I have had moments in my life where I have been a complete bitch, not out of having a bad day, but out of having a bad personality. People didn’t want to be my friend, and I was single for painfully long periods of time. While I didn’t get into yelling matches with people the way Abby does, I certainly did not shy away from running my mouth in ways it never should have. I was as obnoxious as Abby was, but in a different way.

This is a problem because society doesn’t allow you to be both fat and a bitch. It can be argued that fat people are more discriminated against in our society than other group of people, including colored or gay people. There are anti-discrimination laws to protect minorities, gays, women, and the disabled, but none to protect fat people. There are no provisions in hate crime statutes that protect fat people from being harmed. Fat people are constantly teased and made to feel bad because society thinks being fat is a choice that person made. Had they not eaten that burger, ice cream, pizza, etc., then they wouldn’t be fat. They wouldn’t be using their fatness as an excuse for their disabilities they now claim they have, like diabetes, which causes everyone’s health care premiums to skyrocket. I do not mean to suggest that Abby Lee Miller has diabetes or is a part of the health care problem in America, but she is absolutely discriminated against as a fat person. I know, because I have the same thoughts others have. And others have had those same thoughts about me. They don’t have to say it to my face for me to know. When you see the faces people make at you often enough, you begin to recognize when they’re trying not to make them.

Fat people have to work that much harder to get others to like them or notice them, because they have already been written off by society as useless human beings. That is why fat people work to be smart, creative, or articulate. If they choose not to be physically attractive, they can certainly choose to be creatively or mentally attractive. They can show the world that just because they are not as physically beautiful as society thinks they have to be, that they are still valuable. That is not easy to do. That is why fat people, especially fat women, do not have the luxury of being bitches. Fat women, more so than fat men, have to work so damned hard to be attractive to people, especially if they want to lure potential mates. People look right past fat people all the time. Tyra Banks once donned a fat suit in public for an episode of her talk show, and came back crying about how people never looked at her, wouldn’t make eye contact with her, wouldn’t smile back at her, and looked at her with shame when she ate in public. The difference is, she was still a nice person, and she got to take the suit off at the end of the day.

Abby does not have that luxury. America now knows that Abby is a fat bitch, and for that, she will spend the rest of her life trying to overcome that image. The show does not do anything to counter that impression, which is unfortunate because she is turning out beautiful dancers. So she will always be the fat bitch. And she will always serve as a reminder that fat is ugly in society. It might have been different if Abby were nice, but there does not seem to be anything about Abby that is nice, caring, or compassionate. Is this the result of editing? Probably. But we have come to accept perception as reality, and therefore the perception that fat and mean are synonymous continues to perpetuate.

Because I want to learn something from all of my trash television, I will take from this that if this is what society sees from watching Abby Lee Miller, then this is also what they see when they see me acting the same way. Abby broke a cardinal fat girl rule by being a bitch, and because she is on television, that is going to be her legacy. I am lucky that I don’t have a camera crew to document when I have a shitty attitude. But the knowledge that I don’t have the luxury of being both fat and a bitch makes me very aware of which of the two I can choose for the time being. It will be a lot harder to get rid of the fat, but it is much easier to decide not to be a bitch. And in the long term, getting rid of both will be a personal reward that society will get to celebrate with me, instead of judge me for. 

5 ways I would write the return of Chris Jericho

Last night, Chris Jericho was eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars." No surprise there; he'd been in the middle of the pack through the majority of the season, and it was his time in the pecking order to go. I mean, it's not like this is a respectable competition, considering Kirstie Alley fucking fell and still got higher scores than he did. Anyhoo... he has been teasing that he is willing to come back to WWE sooner rather than later, especially with the untimely retirement of Edge. But he's not just some guy - he is without a doubt one of the best performers in the history of the business, and his return should not be some run-of-the-mill rehire. If I were writing for WWE, here are 5 suggestions I would make for the way to best utilize Jericho when he returns to WWE:

Have him become the new RAW GM. I am so over the GM angle. It is long past possible for it to be one person, and I don't think anyone even cares who it is anymore. It's a trigger the writers should have pulled MONTHS ago, and the fact that they didn't is a missed opportunity. Therefore, rather than continue the anonymous GM angle or even reveal that Jericho was the mystery GM all along (which isn't possible, but no one is), make it an off-camera negotiation between Jericho and the mystery GM that the GM handed RAW over to Jericho. This way it kills the mystery angle altogether and puts a face on the position again. Not to mention, Michael Cole is ridiculously out of control on that show, and he needs someone who can shut him down when he needs to be. If that person is Jericho, then he can fight when he needs to, such as when Cole sends Swagger (or another future recruit) to do his dirty work for him.

Have him come to Smackdown as a heel and pair him with Wade Barrett again. Barrett went from being the awesome alpha male leader of the Nexus on RAW to a lukewarm member of the Corre on Smackdown. If he is going to get back to being the future of the WWE, he needs a little help at this point. Cue Jericho. Jericho was his mentor on NXT, and both superstars have praised each other as a mentor/student. If they were to get back together, Jericho could win the heavyweight championship, and Barrett could continue running with the intercontinental championship. The two of them together would make the dominant heel team on the brand. In that time, Barrett's ego continues to grow and get out of control, to the point of wanting to take the heavyweight championship away from Jericho. Eventually he does, returning Jericho to the face spot and having Barrett become the all-out heel he should be. This is the kind of program you could run for a year, into Wrestlemania 28. Barrett beating Jericho at Wrestlemania will make that difference in him pulling that last heel trigger.

Have him come to Smackdown as a face to feud with Wade Barrett. Again, Barrett needs a strong feud to be a formidable heel. Going back to the NXT mentoring angle, Jericho tries to aid Barrett in his singles run. Barrett doesn't want it. He got rid of Nexus, got rid of the Corre, and doesn't think anyone should continue to hold him back, which is how he sees Jericho holding him down. Barrett loses the IC title, blames Jericho, and stars a non-title feud with him. This could work because both are good talkers, both could pull off a good story without having to have a title in the mix, and both could come out elevated from it. Not as much Jericho, but certainly Barrett. Clearly I think Barrett needs Jericho at this point to resuscitate his character. And if this is Jericho's last run in the ring, he can bring Barrett up, then enter one more title feud with whomever has the titles at that time.

Have him come to RAW as a face to feud with the Miz. If Cena moves on to a feud with Del Rio or Swagger, then what faces does Miz feud with? The logical answer should be Mysterio, but I think Mysterio should be used to elevate Evan Bourne or even John Morrison to future main event status, especially since Mysterio does not have a lot of matches left in him. Miz and Jericho are so well matched on the mic, and in the ring they can probably have some great chemistry. He would be a good choice for the Miz, even if Miz gets himself another lackey, like maybe Curt Hawkins, a recent RAW draft pick. It doesn't seem like there is much for Jericho at this point than to have him elevate the next future star or two, and maybe get another title run in with it.

Have him come to RAW as a heel and feud with Zack Ryder. Again, he's being used to elevate someone, but whatev. Zack Ryder is becoming WWE's biggest internet star with his youtube show, and deservedly so. That dude is damn funny, and will only get funnier. One of the problems right now is that TV time is so limited, and either the writers can't possibly come up with something to do for him, or they don't consider him a priority. It's probably a bit of both, which is unfortunate when the viewers would love to watch him. If Jericho comes back, have him come back to the same repressed character as before. This time, have Ryder try to cheer him up, or just get too close to Jericho while singing the latest boy band hit. With enough of this, Jericho will want to beat the business out of Ryder, and the fans will be all over Ryder when he wants to get his revenge. It's such an easy story line to go with, but it gets some great pops on RAW when the fans get Ryder on TV the way they want to. And it's not like they'd want Ryder on TV but Jericho off TV, because the fans have learned by now that Jericho equals great TV, no matter what.

Reflecting on my vacation, part 3

The absolute highlight of my weekend was the Jungle Cruise Skipper Reunion on Saturday night. It was great to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in forever - some of them in at least 13 years. It was a small group but a fun group. It allowed us to catch up on what we had been up to, where we still wanted to go, and all the fun stuff in between. The night was kicked off the right way when Josh Troesh sat down with us, looked at Chad, and asked the one question about Chad's infamous spiel: "What were you thinking?" From there, all we could do is look back and laugh.

For those who don't know, let's skip down memory lane together. (BTW, this is based on my recollection, so others will have different versions of this story.) The summer of 1997 was my first at Disneyland. I split my time between the Jungle Cruise and guest control for "Light Magic." Being so low on the seniority list, I worked closing shifts. This is where I first met the one and only CHAD GORDON. He had been a CT (seasonal) for many years because he was going through law school at the time. He had been there before the Jungle Cruise had been rethemed to the 1930's style in order to marry it with Indiana Jones. He had been there since before the "approved jokes" had been put into place. I was trained with the approved jokes, so I didn't know anything else. He had taken the scenes in the ride and had made his own jokes for them. They were not nasty or inappropriate, but they were topical, ironic, and downright hilarious. I mean, calling the elephant bathing pool the "Republican National Convention?" That's damn funny! (A little birdie named Wikipedia tells me the Republican Party was formed in 1854 and first used the elephant symbol in 1874, but hey, apparently that doesn't work in the 1930s.) Chad was not the only one to use such unique jokes; in fact, many skippers had a set of jokes that were their own. With the exception of Grad Nite jokes, they were off the script but were not inappropriate.

However, there was a man named Bruce Kimbrell to consider. Bruce was the head of the Narrations department, which was the group of attractions that had spiels, such as Jungle Cruise and Storybook. Bruce had a very "my way or the highway" method of running things. He was not so fond of deviations from the script or any form of SOP. He wanted to rule the Jungle Cruise with an iron fist and had certain skippers in place that could keep him informed of the things that were going on when he wasn't there. Unfortunately, Chad is not a skipper who is up for being anyone's puppet. Chad knew he had nothing to lose because he was a skipper for the fun of it and was not afraid of management at all. Most of us who were still teenagers didn't have the same mindset, so it was easier for Bruce to instill some fear in us.

Bruce and Chad were oil and water. There was nothing Bruce could do to control Chad, and that drove him nuts. He had other managers telling Chad that guests were complaining, but everyone knew that was BS. Chad was one of the most complimented skippers on the crew. People waited for his boat. It wasn't that Chad was defiant for the purpose of being a pain in the ass; he just knew the difference between being coached and being bullied by someone on a power trip, and he knew it was all about the latter.

The biggest card Bruce had to play was Chad's status. As a CT, Chad had no seniority and no union protection. As an at-will employee with no union support, Chad really had no leg to stand on. Bruce finally played that card and fired Chad. Chad did not go down lightly and went to the media. Before I came to work that day I knew Chad was fired. This was before we had cell phones, text messages, and Facebook, so word had to travel quickly for me to know before my shift. This was one of the most shocking bits of news I had ever heard because it made me realize that Bruce was not a manager, he was a bully. He wanted to chop the head off the dragon, and he did it. I knew I would never be able to trust him if he was willing to let go of his best skipper because it bruised his own ego.

Unfortunately, it didn't end there. We all met at TGI Friday's over the next few nights, as we usually did after closing. The first night a letter started to circulate from an anonymous source named "Trader Sam" (the nickname for the figure at the end of the ride before approaching the dock) that spelled out everything that was going wrong at the Jungle Cruise. It chronicled Bruce's antics, including sending another manager to hide out in the jungle and spy on skippers giving their spiels. (Too bad that idiot wore a bright pink shirt while he was hiding.) Bruce found out about "Trader Sam" and started harrassing the CT skippers about his identity. Unfortunately, no one was talking. Even if people knew for a fact what was going on, the damage had been done because we could not trust Bruce. Eventually, someone did squeal, and shock of shocks, became a trainer and lead shortly after that. As the next few days bore on and we continued to hang at Friday's, we watched the massacre continue. Anyone who was a CT and was friends with Chad (AKA ALL CT's) were also fired. I remember calling my friend Sarah to confirm something, and she told me she was fired that day too. Her then-boyfriend walked away after that. I think the next day or the day after, I ran into scheduling and asked them to put me on Light Magic Guest Control for the rest of the summer. I was afraid to stay there. Even though I was CR (regular yearly) and subject to union protection, I was only 19 at the time, and if he had fired me I would have taken it. In fact, a couple of months later, someone told Bruce I had shared the story of the summer, and he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "If you were a CT, I would have fired you too." I stayed at Disneyland until 2005 and ran into Bruce periodically, and he never really could look me in the eyes after that. I don't know where Bruce is today (and really don't care), but I don't think he ever got over the threat to his ego that Chad was. He actually thought it was all of us against him, and it wasn't until he made it that way.

Looking back on the different memories of that summer, and from sharing stories, I see that that experience has bonded us for life. When we got together, it was like nothing had changed. Chad still stays in touch with some of them and has now reconnected with more. We can look back on it now and laugh, but that summer helped to shape my understanding of the very bright line that can exist between management and front line employees. And you know what? Fire us, write us up, do whatever you want to us. We are family forever now, and I am so greatful for it.

The reunion not only made me realize that we will be friends forever, but it also made me realize much of how I view myself is in my head. I knew I was an immature brat when I was working there, but I felt like everyone else thought the same thing too. Some did, I'm sure, but others didn't really remember me for that. Debi, one of my favorite people from that time, said, "Amy, I remember your smile." That helped me to relax. If I was young and immature, then we were all young and immature. I always feel like people remember each other from the last time we saw them, but in reality, we remember people the way we want to. If Debi remembers me for my smile, then chances are, others remember me the same way too. Thank you, Debi! You seriously made my day with that one comment.

The reunion was a blast. We all realized we need to do it more often, maybe once a year if possible. Time will only stand in our way if we allow it to. Too many people weren't there that should have been. High schools and fraternities/sororities have reunions; we can too.

Reflecting on my vacation, part 2

I went to Disneyland twice this weekend - Friday and Sunday. Saturday night was dedicated to spending time with old friends, which will be covered in another post. That night was too much fun and didn't lead to me getting to sleep until very late - again, see that post when it comes.

Sunday morning we had made breakfast reservations at 8am for Carnation Cafe. It was to be my three cousins, my friend, and my cousin's boyfriend. By the morning of, it we lost the boyfriend and the friend, so it ended up being the four cousins. I made it to the gate by 7:45 am, as I said I would. I had all the tickets, so with the exception of the one cousin who had a pass, the other cousins had to pick up their tickets from me. Leading up to the reservation time of 8, I got texts saying they're on their way, the structure was crowded, the trams were slow, etc. They showed up to the gate at 8:25 am - 40 minutes later than we had agreed on. What's more is that not one of them apologized for being late. I had already made my way to the Cafe to let them know the rest of my party was running late and we ended up making our (not at all tasty) breakfast. I made the decision to not let the tardiness bother me and still tried to make the rest of the day enjoyable.

Here's where it ended up bothering me upon reflection. I had way too much to drink the night before and was mildly hung over with only 3 hours of sleep, but I was there on time. In fact, I was a little early. What was their excuse? They know to allow time for trams, and the parking lot, and anything that can delay them. If I had told them they were being signed in at 7:30, they would have been on time because I have always made it clear that they better be on time or they don't get in. Why, then, do I not get the same consideration? Why did they think it was okay to be late, and then to not apologize for it? What that makes clear is that their time is valuable and mine is not. It is perfectly acceptable for anyone, especially family, to wait on them. The reason I think this is because they did not apologize once. Had they apologized, I may think differently.

I know they will read this, so understand this: from now on, my time is valuable. I can have a blast in the park by myself. I do not need to wait for you. This is not just at Disneyland, this is everywhere. If I can be on time feeling as shitty as I do, so can you. I will not wait anymore. I am sick and tired of waiting on people who do not consider anyone else's time valuable. I hope you remember this. And the next time you are late, I hope you apologize and don't do it again. Not just to me, but to anyone else you keep waiting.

Reflecting on my vacation, part 1

This weekend I went to Disneyland with a friend and her children, ages 13, 10, and 7. For the two older ones, they had been enough times to have experienced the big rides and to remember what they liked. Also, they were old enough to know about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the other mythical creatures who completed our childhood. The 7-year old hasn't made it that far yet. This was the first trip to Disneyland since he was 2 and I was able to sign them in. Essentially, this was his first trip. Understandably, he was trepedatious about certain rides. I suggested starting him on Big Thunder Mountain instead of Space Mountain because at least he could see what was coming; his mother disagreed. Instead, she insisted on taking him on Indiana Jones, Tower of Terror, and all of the other big rides that are not as easy to introduce to smaller children. He did not ride California Screamin', but he did love Soarin' Over California, as we all did. I am not suggesting that I know more about her child than she does, but I have seen enough children over the years to know that forcing them to go on a ride they're not ready for even once can be enough to sour them for the rest of the day. Parents think their kids are ready for a ride because they see other children younger or smaller who can handle it just fine; or, they think they should be able to handle it because the video games they play are mature enough for this ride to not matter. I know the importance of baby steps when it comes to something that can genuinely freak a child out, and in a place like Disneyland, when the park is as slammed as it was, do you really want to add one extra level of stress to a day that is already going to be tough to make it through?

Sadly, this was not the part of the day that bothered me when it came to mom and her 7-year-old. It bothered me much more that she was telling him how everything worked before he had a chance to see it. She was telling him not to worry about the snowman on Matterhorn because it was just a pair of lights. She told him he wouldn't like the Haunted Mansion because he wouldn't like the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas," even though he hadn't seen it and doesn't know what to compare the mansion overlay to. She told him about the people inside the character costumes, and how "Tinkerbell flies" from the Matterhorn and crashes into someone in back, and everything that could ruin the experience for him. While I can see how a child of that age is able to clue in to what is really going on around him, is it really necessary for his mother to be the one to spoil it all for him? Why is it she cannot support the magic that Disneyland has worked hard to create so that he can be as fulfilled by the experience as possible? There are tactics parents can use to make their children understand how things work without giving it away. For example, when we were leaving, the 7-year-old asked how the Wicked Queen in "Fantasmic!" changed into the Evil Witch. We told him it was magic, just like Harry Potter. He said Harry Potter wasn't magic, it was special effects. I laughed at that because to me, that's about as much as a 7-year-old should believe at that point. Unfortunately, I'm sure after I left that mom told him about the ol' switcheroo that takes place when the smoke is at its thickest.

Why was it necessary to be so blatant about how these things happen? Why was it necessary for mom to destroy any hopes of magic and not give her the son to be fully immersed in the experience? Is it because she has lost the ability to relate to the innocense and nostalgia of childhood? Is it because she herself has become jaded and feels that she is lying to her children by giving them an illusion to believe is truth? If she had daughters instead of sons (something she said she's grateful to not have), would she prevent them from coming to the parks in their princess dresses because she thinks it's stupid to believe in such a thing? Sadly, I think so.

It really wasn't fun in the overall experience to be in the park with her and her children, and that's a sad thing to say about someone I have been friends with for so long. The park had about 60,000 people, if not more, and she insisted on seeing every major ride and Fantasmic! in one day. She was genuinely annoyed by the people and the wait times. She was genuinely annoyed with me when I took the single rider option on Indiana Jones and waited 20 minutes, while they waited the full hour and a half. She didn't give me the opportunity to tell them that if I had seen them in line on my way up, I would have joined them instead of taking the single ride. All of these elements are what can cause someone with a Type-A personality to explode, as she did. I found the best parts of the day were when I took her older children onto Screamin', and when I met up with other friends to ride Toy Story Midway Mania, one of the most fun rides I had been on in years. She made the experience more about her than her children or even me. When it came time for dinner, she was annoyed that she had to schlep her children all over the park because they were such picky eaters that they couldn't all agree on one location, and it would have cost her $60 to feed them. Of course, if she had bought a full-size cheese pizza for $22, that would have been easier. (BTW, parents, if your children are picky eaters to the point where you have to prepare different meals for each of them and it's not because of allergies, that's your fault. You allowed it to happen. They eat what's being served or they don't eat. When they learn that the pickiness disappears.)

At the end of the day, I broke away from them because it was the only way I would not go off on her for being so damned high-stress. I didn't need people around me who would act like that all day. I didn't need people who would bitch about what they couldn't control rather than go with the flow and work with the things they could control. Disneyland is stressful enough. I love her - she's my oldest friend and we'll always be friends, but I am not likely to spend the day at Disneyland with her again any time soon.

I've got personality!

There are so many different personality tests on the web. They vary in validity, accuracy, and as I noticed, cost. Some tests are meant to market their product to a large group and happen to have a free version online to sample. Others are meant exclusively for fun. I remember a site years ago, which does not seem to be up anymore, that had personality tests aimed at determining when you would die, how strong your mafia connections were, or how promiscuous you were. The questions were so absurd that they could only be for entertainment (apparently my penmanship was too nice to qualify me for strong mafia ties), but they still said something about your personality at the end. On this site, the end result may have been how much you missed the point by, as the “IQ test” was only based on how many times you answered the same questions over and over again before you finally quit. For the purpose of this activity, I settled on two tests that came up on Google under a search for “personality tests.” They were both modified versions of the original and were entertaining.

The first test I chose to take is a modified version of the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, which was listed as the Jung Typology test (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp). I remember taking this test for the first time back in 1995, and at that time, I was rated an ENFP, which was extroverted/intuitive/feeling/perceiving. I felt at the time that this assessment was correct, and still feel as though I am today. However, in taking this shorter version today (68 questions), my results changed from extroverted to introverted. Therefore, I am now INFP. I figured I would reach this result, as many of the questions dealing with wanting to find quiet time and finding solace in my personal space were answered affirmatively. In the 15 years since I first took the Meyers-Briggs, I have become more withdrawn and quiet, valuing my personal space and down time. I don’t consider this to be a bad thing; rather, I find it to be a sign of maturity. When I first took the test, I was fresh out of high school, in my first semester in a community college, and was still bouncing off the walls. I was working at Disneyland, where the social scene is just as big a part of the job as the job assignment itself. I often socialized with my coworkers after work, and some of them are still my best friends today. I am no longer in such a social job, so I don’t have as many opportunities to go out and enjoy time with my co-workers. Even if I did, I think the scene would be different because we are all older. We do not have the same goals that we did when we were in our twenties. We now have families and responsibilities. Considering all of this, it makes sense that my rating of extroversion changed to introversion. However, when it comes time to go out and have a good time, I am still very much the extrovert.

The second test I took was the Kiersey Temperament Sorter, found at http://www.kiersey.com. This site bills their test as the “world’s leading assessment for individuals, teams, and organizations.” This is the kind of test, in its complete form, would be given to companies for employee evaluations. I again took a modified version of the test and got some results for free, but would have received more complete results if I purchased them, which I chose not to do. According to the Kiersey test, my personality type is the Idealist, meaning I am passionately committed to personal growth and development. I enjoy working with others, helping them find and fulfill their potential. I dream of a world of harmony, and have a gift for helping people solve their problems through friendly means, avoiding conflict whenever possible. I am an incurable romantic, but I see things more as they are than as I want them to be. I am an ethical person and hold myself to a strict standard of integrity. I seek and take comfort in warm, sensitive relationships and find “soul mates” rather than just acquaintances. In the workplace (this is a test for employees, after all), I am comfortable taking on a leadership role and seek opportunities to turn “what is” into “what can be.”

I find this personality assessment to be much more in line with my personality, but I also feel it does not cover as much of my personality. Instead, it focuses on the emotional part of me rather than the intellectual. (I might know more if I paid for a set of results.) I do constantly look for the good in others and try to turn “what is” into “what might be.” I am a very selfless person, looking for ways to make others happy without expecting something in return other than gratitude. I usually don’t enjoy celebrating myself, and have found discomfort in others celebrating me. I also agree with the work assessment, especially in my most recent job. I was left to fend for myself without much management oversight for most of my time there, and I relished in the opportunities to improve on the place and to make my team happy. Unfortunately, lack of oversight meant lack of appreciation for just how much I did there, and I was let go after a year and a half. This is one of those times where taking some notice in me would have been appreciated, though I don’t dwell on it.

One thing I did find particularly funny is that this personality assessment happens to perfectly describe a character I am writing in my current novel. My main character is a hopeless romantic who is practical and realistic to a fault. She wants to take a leap of faith but does not want to take it at the expense of those around her. I think this personality assessment will help me to continue to develop her as well.

Between these two tests, I thought the Kiersey test made me feel like it “got me” more than the Meyers-Briggs test did. Because this test is meant for employees, I would feel good about a test like this going to a prospective employer or boss. I think this test speaks to my desires to grow a successful team, to make things happen, and to make sure the team is as harmonious as can be. I am a leader, and being a leader does not mean forgetting about the people you choose to lead. I think that is a very important quality I have worked hard to understand. The Meyers-Briggs seems to be formulated to understand different dimensions of your personality, and for that, I appreciate its accuracy. However, I think it can backfire if is taken out of context. The opposite of Perceiving in that test is Judging, and a judgmental quality can be looked at as something to avoid. If I am considered introverted, will I not fit in to a hectic workplace where things are constantly moving and people need to keep up with the vivid personalities?

Ultimately, I don’t believe any personality test will ever truly “get” me, but I think the various tests will do well to understand certain parts of me. According to Funder, One Big Theory (OBT) is likely to be wrong because it attempts to include everything and therefore does not work to understand one single aspect well enough. The same can be said for personality tests. The Kiersey test was aimed at determining what kind of employee I would be. The Meyers-Briggs is aimed at looking at personality as a whole. The Meyers-Briggs may be one of the closest to truly knowing as much of one person as possible in a test.

Cinema Rediscovered: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

This is a series I have wanted to do for a while. I have seen several movies more than a dozen times, and when it gets to that level, I can usually let them play in the background like music. But every now and then, I'll sit back and actually watch the movie and take in things I never really thought about or noticed before. I hope to cover some of my favorites or most watched here, and maybe my observations will mirror yours.

And thus, I start the series with the movie that made parents wise up to the tricks my generation tried to pull to skip school, or why the shower head makes an ideal practice mic: Ferris Bueller's Day Off.



Ferris's establishing scene has him pulling some odd sick trick on his parents, and like the idiots they are, they buy it. My mother would have told me to suck it up and go to school anyway. She said something similar when I broke my tailbone when I was 14. In this same establishing scene, we meet Jeannie, his eternally menstrual older sister. It's not so much that Jeannie is jealous of Ferris as much as she's just the average teenager, blaming her parents for everything wrong in th world. Looking back, Jeannie needed her own spinoff series. Maybe Daria could have been her best friend...



Once everyone goes to school and work (notice both Ben Stein and Kristy Swanson in early roles), Ferris decides to recruit his BFF, Cameron, for his day of truancy. He already knows Cameron will be home because he knows Cameron's neuroses makes him sick. And unlike his own parents, who are just easily fooled, Cameron's parents probably just don't give a shit. Incidentally, as a direct result of Cameron's establishing scene, I actually did think coal made diamonds for many years. Forgive me.



When we meet the principal, Mr. Rooney, we see a man who takes his job and his battle with one individual student way too seriously. Remind you of another John Hughes high school principal? It's the battle between Ferris and Mr. Rooney that would be the surface plot, the cat and mouse game that drives the plot of the story. Unlike Principal Vernon in the Breakfast Club, Mr. Rooney isn't as concerned with impressing his students as he is winning his battle with the most popular boy in school. He claims he wants to set the example to all the kids who look up to Ferris, but even if the other kids didn't care, he'd still fight Ferris. What is he trying to prove, other than his significance in the school heirarchy? He isn't trying to convince anyone other than Ferris that he can win their individual battle. It's a theme that John Hughes carries through many of his stories. The adults are often threatened by the emergence of the Gen-Xers, who, as Vernon puts it, will be taking care of them in the very near future, and that thought is scary.



Before Ferris and Cameron can successfully pick up Sloan, possibly the hottest high school girlfriend EVER, we see why Ferris is so damn cool. How many of us tried to find or make software with bodily functions to fool parents? How many of us thought we could break into the school's computer from our homes? How many of us have tried to call the school with a fake voice to get our friends out of class? (No, I didn't do that last one. How dare.)



When the three of them finally make their break from the school, hilarity truly ensues. They take their classic Ferrari to downtown Chicago and park it in a public garage. If us future drivers learned anything from this scene, it's to never trust a guy who practically ejaculates at the sight of your car to watch over it, even if your car is a faded brown 1986 Dodge Colt hatchback. Ahem... Their first stop, a fancy lunch at Chez Qui. Ferris manages to convince the snooty host that he's Abe Frohman, the Sausage King of Chicago. Wouldn't you think Ferris could have thought a little more quickly on his feet and claimed to be his son? That's probably what I would have done, considering the host and/or manager would have sat Mr. Frohman several times and would have known who he was. I also would have thought the host would have enforced the jacket and tie rule at the restaurant, which every other customer seems to abide by. Then again, I bet the little mix-up resulted in complimentary lunch for the three of them, since I bet that lunch cost them at least $40 per plate, and none of them had that kind of money on them.



One thing I took from this scene was Ferris's declaration that if he was going to get in trouble, it would not be by a guy like that host. I carry that sentiment with me to this day. At times when I have felt like I was about to lose it and have my day be ruined, I thought about whether I was willing to lose an entire day to that particular person. When I realize I am not about to let a particular person ruin all of it for me, I carry on. Thanks, Ferris!



Next, on to the ball park for the Cubs game. Wouldn't it just happen to be that most of us go to games faithfully every season and never catch a fly ball, despite being in both fly and foul zones, yet this punk catches one on the day he ditches class? Incidentally, Saved by the Bell would rip this scene off years later when Zack pretends to be Jewish to skip school (Belding was an idiot), catches a foul at the Dodgers game, and gets blackmailed by Jessie's new brother to get a date with Lisa. Don't ask how I know this.



There are also really nice moments which can be like a picture postcard for Chicago. They visit the museum, the Sears tower, the stock exchange, and Michigan Avenue. I've never been to Chicago, and when this movie came out I was living in Hawaii, so I thought this was the coolest thing ever. Of course, I didn't know the difference between New York City and Chicago as far as big cities went, so I am equally obsessed with visiting both cities to this day.



During this time, Mr. Rooney decides the safety and well-being of every other student in the school is less important than breaking and entering into Ferris's house. Unfortunately, Jeannie is home, not caring less what she's missing in school. She meets an intruder (not realizing it's Rooney), delivers a swift kick to the nose, then calls the police. She knows he's still in the house and warns him she has herpes. Unfortunately shit continues to rain on Jeannie, and she gets arrested for filing a false police report.



Then we get to the scene which, for me, turns the movie from entertaining to silly, and that's the parade. I thought it would be fun and exciting to join in a parade, but not in my own concert scene as though it were planned for me. Even when I had this movie on VHS, I would fast forward through this scene. Even today, I don't care for "Twist and Shout," especially since it reminds me of this lame scene.

When Ferris and the gang pick up the car, life as Cameron knows it is over. He has is nervous breakdown for a few minutes, but seeing Sloan's boobies gets him out of that rut. But it's when the miles are not coming off the car that Cameron finally decides that his life isn't working for him anymore, and in his symbolic rebirth, he destroys the car, the one thing his father loves more than his own son. It's catastrophic and frightening when the car goes over the edge, but it's the understanding that nothing can be done about it, the day is finished, that really brings everything home. Cameron just had the best day of his life, and crashing that beautiful car, which should have been devastating, is poetic for him.


As all great days must come to an end, Ferris and the gang have to head home in time to get back to bed before the parents find him. Jeannie gets picked up from her mother at the police station and literally run into Ferris trying to make it home. The race is on, and Jeannie further pisses off her mother by speeding through the neighborhood to get home. And when she does, she finds Rooney's wallet on the kitchen floor. This is when she realizes Rooney was the man who broke into her house. All of a sudden, she has something far more exciting to look forward to than busting her brother, and that's screwing the principal over. Seriously, what could Rooney do to her for the rest of her high school career that she couldn't pull the breaking-and-entering card on? To top it off, she feeds the wallet and Rooney himself to their Rotweiler. Ahh, sweet justice. Of course, she realizes she could never have that satisfaction if Ferris hadn't ditched school in the first place, and she forgives him.



This movie is about living in the moment, and the theme applies to everyone. Though Ferris is the main character, this movie is really Cameron's story as told from Ferris's point of view. Ferris as a person is not that interesting of a character. Where is his conflict? He has his parents wrapped around his finger, every kid in school likes him, he has a very hot girlfriend, and he really doesn't care what Rooney thinks. Even Sloan, who we never really get to know in depth, is just an accessory character.


The real story lies in Cameron. I heard it summed up perfectly once: Cameron is going through his mid-life crisis prematurely. He is the oldest teenager on the planet (sorry, Dick Clark). He's destroyed by the thought of rubbing his parents the wrong way even once. He is miserable, and would probably have gone through the rest of his life miserable. Ferris is his alter-ego. Ferris is the person who does everything Cameron has ever wanted to do but has been shut down by his parents before getting the chance to. In the art museum, Cameron sees himself in the Georges Seurat painting, and he sees himself as a kid in the exact same way - nothing but paint and pixels, not a real kid. Destroying the car was the last step to shaking Cameron out of his misery. He probably would have gone to college, never making any new friends or girlfriends, and lived a short, miserable life. If Cameron were among the students in detention in "The Breakfast Club," what do you think he would have done to get there? Would it have been more severe than bringing a gun to school (albeit a flare gun)? Would a romp in the hay with the weirdo have cured him? It's an interesting thought...



"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" will always be one of the best high school movies ever, and one of the best movies of my generation. But it's watching the movie as an adult that makes me appreciate it even more. If Cameron did exist, I hope he got everything he wanted in the end.